Spinning. Everything is spinning.

Today I woke up at 11:30 am. My train to Budapest left at 7:50 am. Oops. Next time?

Tonight I sat in Trg Republike, the main square in Belgrade, and watched everything spin around me. This city is buzzing, and I feel entirely comfortable sitting and watching the people who live here. I went on a long walk, up and down the pedestrian road, reminding myself of all the people I have met in this city, why they are special to me, the things we have shared, etc. I want them to know that they have greatly effected me, that I will hold them close, and that they have another person who they can go home to.

That is something I have realized quite a lot while traveling (and I haven't even started the "long haul" traveling). I want to be a provider of a home. I don't know what this means--if it means I want to have a shelter or just a never-ending couch for people to crash on. I think making home for people is one of the most beautiful things you can do.

The long haul. The beginning of the end. The mega trip of a lifetime. So why do I already feel tired??

My paper is done, at least I am telling myself this. It is hard to move to that completion mode—I always want to continue editing, erasing, starting over—but I just can’t do that. I have to be okay with what has been produced.

I am sad to leave Belgrade, in many ways. I am sad that I might not see the friends I have made—in particular Tijana, Stevan, and Dejan. They really touched me while I have been here. Tijana and I have had some great conversations, I feel like we really connected in a lot of ways. She is one of those righteous babes. Stevan and Dejan were amazing. We only hung out…maybe 4 times, but each time it was wonderful, fun, exciting. I laughed so much with them. They were great companions, they brought the best out of me.

I am nervous for next week—for re-entry into Zagreb and group dynamics. I cannot believe it has already been a month, although at some points the time ticked by. Doesn’t it always?

I head to Zagreb tomorrow. The group heads to Slovenia on Thursday. On Sunday we head back to Zagreb for the family gathering. Monday I go to Vienna. Tuesday I go to Israel. The following Tuesday I come back from Israel to Vienna. Then to Prague. Then to home. It sounds quite hellish at the end, so I am really going to have to keep the positive energy rolling. I will also be traveling alone, something which always tends to affect me so much.

It gives me the space to think—where anything that I might be holding in side for whatever reason—has the ability to come out. You sit, for hours, maybe with something to do but maybe just time to think. The room heats up. Thoughts roll out of your head, circling around you as you zip into another time zone. It is inescapable me myself and I time, and unless you have some strong sleeping pills, you have no choice but to deal with yourself.

I am going to miss the Three Black Catz and Mladen, Marija, Eve, Jasna, and the gang. This room has become mine (although now I am the only one left). I feel like the resident greeter for all the comers and goers. These are the people I remember.

- The 50 year old from Ireland

- The Frenchman who worked in the Middle East as a freelance journalist

- The two men from…SE Asia somewhere…maybe Indonesia I forget

- The girl studying in Thessaloníki from Virginia.

- Two Estonian girls

- Two French guys

- Berlin, Germany guy with a girlfriend in Nis

- Three Aussie girls

- 3 Dutch from Amsterdam

- 2 Bulgarians

- 1 Italian dude who slept in his tighty whities

- 2 Aussies who had been traveling for 11 months

- Seattle dude

- Seattle dudette

- French girl in the beginning

- New Zealander living in London

- Canadian – Victoria

- 2 Guys from New Jersey

Making Home

najbolji prijatelji u beograd - best friends in belgrade
thanks for making it feel like home!

Abstract for paper, abstraction obstruction insanity?

Dealing with the past is the process in which a society determines truthful facts of past events, and with the support of civil society and its leaders, undergoes a transformation from a culture based on conflict to one of peace, through the processes of reconciliation and depolarization[1]. Youth between the ages of 18-30 are the future of Serbia. They grew up in the midst of war, under a regime that greatly affected the economical, social, and political stability of the newly independent country. Because of these factors, their perspectives and opinions become critical in determining how this country is approaching topics of the past. This study highlights their opinions about governmental engagement, Non-governmental organization’s initiatives, and personal responsibility towards topics of the past, and whether or not they are effective in creating a culture of peace for Serbia’s future.

---

[1] Bleeker, Mô, and Jonathan Sisson, eds. Dealing with the Past: Critical Issues, Lessons Learned, and Challenges for Future Swiss Policy. Swiss Peace Foundation. Bern: Swiss Peace, 2005. 16 Nov. 2007 >.

So I have my 40 pages. Whether or not one can understand them is an entirely different story. I am leaving for Budapest either tomorrow or Sunday, going out with friends I've made here tonight, and trying to clean up the paper in the time between.

I am going slightly crazy--mainly because I get so utterly lost in papers I write. The process of editing is, for some unknown reason, the hardest thing for me to conquer. I have these thoughts and I write them down and I don't like to question them! Okay! And I disagree with grammar but that discussion is for another day.

who cares if my sentences don't have punctuation and i make up words. It's not like I am going to publish it or anything (thanks to the remarkable IRB group that has been created to protect human-subjects in the research process).

Sarcasm? Never...

things come

things come together like falling
rain hits the ground
seeps, sometimes flooding first
frantically finding space in roots
kitchen sinks
cesspools
sometimes it hovers over us
and we can smell it
almost.

i feel like i have been writing for years but
since then and after the fact
really it seems time is a tall tale
we forgot was created.

i might forget somethings sometimes
but i remember exactly where i was when
things came together.

like i was falling.

but suns rise
moons rise too
and even when the rain pinches the ground
it floats back up again
becoming stars
or at least cloud bouncers
enjoying the day's parade or mistakes made
hitting it all very hard so it can feel something real
each moment
like a continuous reason
to piece it all back
together.

december 3, 2007

In between sentences

I am in the midst of writing the first draft of my 40-page research paper and I really wanted to flush out a few thoughts about my recent trip to Southern Serbia. In the words of Stasa, the founder of the Women in Black office here in Belgrade, this city isn't real Serbia. Real Serbia can be found in the small towns and villages away from the big cities of Novi Sad and Belgrade, where people live the way Serbians have been living for years. There is a lot of poverty. The streets smell of burning coal (that is how they still heat themselves here). It felt like I was in a movie from the 40's in Serbia after Tito kicked Fascism out. Things have been paused since then. Socialism seeps through the cracks still. It's still very much present there, the remnants of it all.

So far in my travels here in the Balkans, if I keep my mouth shut people don't think I am a foreigner (kind of refreshing from Chiapas). But in Leskovac, the small town in Southeastern Serbia (a few hours west of Sofia, Bulgaria and right on the edge of Kosovo), I was stared every moment.

I was there to have a focus group with youth in the area. I stayed over at the Women for Peace's office. I tried speaking as much Serbian as possible, and got a bit depressed because I just don't know if I'll be able to hold onto it.

The next morning the room was filled with a bunch of 15 year old high school students who were there to learn about the organization, become active, and listen to me, a strange foreigner, as them about a time period they don't remember at all or learn about in school. It's funny, because I am not legally allowed to interview anyone under the age of 18. So the information I got isn't really acceptable. Although I can mention the contents of the focus group, as an observation (without mentioning individuals). It was super interesting to compare their thoughts with the thoughts of the people I've already interviewed in Belgrade and Novi Sad. These kids knew nothing. Absolutely nothing. They didn't know about the genocide in Srebrenica, they didn't know about the siege of Sarajevo, they didn't know about Serbian influence in the wars. The only thing they had learned about in school was the NATO bombings in 1999. Crazy.

I was just starting to get to know people when I had to rush to the bus station to get to a meeting I had set up in Nis, a city about an hour north of Leskovac. I have been finding the kindness of strangers here to really help me in the transportation section of my life. I never know what to do at the bus or train stations here. They are all so different! People have been so helpful.

I got to Nis to talk to the activists involved in the Youth Initiative for Human Rights there. I went to Maja and Rade's apartment, where they offered me some delicious red wine and a place to stay for the night. I wasn't expecting on staying over, but the wine was so good and the company was even better. I didn't take out my notepad or my recorder. I didn't want to. I was sick of the formal conversations and the agenda. I wanted to do it my way for the last interview.

So we ended up having an incredible conversation about life in Nis, the wars, what people are doing now, radicalness of the Youth Initiative and Women and Black and why it has to be that way, etc. 2 others were there, Petro and Marko, and we all just had such a great time together. And I learned a lot. They also are trying to put together a cultural center in Nis for people to go to for a safe and creative space. They hope that it might harbor motivation and energy for activism in Nis, something that is missing there. I hope it works out for them.

I have found that I am happiest when on my own here. I have never really wanted to be a solo traveler, but in some ways it is just so much easier and enlightening. Things flow easier, time becomes less relevant. You go with it. Nobody is saying they want to go home. No obligations exist. Friendships bloom quicker. These are just some things I have noticed.

People I want to remember from this trip: Maja from Zene za mir (women for peace), Jovanna and Milan, Ivana and Nena from Zene za Mir, Rade Maja Petro Marko from YIHR Nis.

And I cannot believe it is December already. I can't believe I am coming home in less than a month. It is all good and all bad and I am trying to synthesize everything I have heard and learned into a paper that seems very far from completion at this point. And I am tired from a night of dancing, kafana fighting, and a hurt foot.

beograd

=

Quacky Qualms Quiet Quirky

Okay. So from the beginning I have felt awkward using the word "research" for what I am doing here. I think I have begun to transform it from "research" to "understanding", the process of which is heavily based in informal communication with those around me in Belgrade. I want to get a better understanding of how people my age here are dealing with the past they grew up in (the 90s) and how they visualize what is currently happening around them--internationally, nationally, and locally--with "facing the past". Also, do they feel personal responsibility towards dealing with the past?

So this is what I am interested in. My interview questions are shit and once I sit down with people I feel like I freeze and I have to act a certain way etc, I get too caught up in wondering if the recorder is still on or if I will be able to get to all my questions. Becuase of this, the "informal conversation, hanging out, getting to know eachother" shortly disintegrates into my agenda. I hate agendas. I hate feeling like I need to get something out of people. I just want to make new friends and understand the place around me as much as I possibly can as an outsider.

Everyone here has been great. Better than great. Friday night I went out with the girls from the program who I am living with right now, and 5 Serbs, one of whom we met from the interviewing in Belgrade in October. I stayed out with them all night long (which reflects how good it was because I don't tend to do that willingly these days). We had the most fantastic conversations, both serious and not serious, about ourselves, about Serbia, about Kosovo, etc. At the end of the night we agreed that we felt like we had been friends for a long time. It was just so comfortable and warm, honest, and exciting. And I learned so much from them, and will learn more from them in the future.

These are the nights I will take back with me and share with other people. This is the kind of story I want to write about, which reflects the most honest exchange of ideas, values, and perspectives of what is really going on. Without an agenda. Without a recorder. With plenty of beer and laughter and honesty.

So where do I go from here? I am stuck within the limitations of academia, SIT policy, and the obligation of a 40 page qualitative research paper due December 10. I am looking forward to the interviews this next week because I feel like I am much clearer on the things I want to know. But it has taken me a while to really figure it out. Does this taint the already-done interviews I have had? I think what has really been getting me through has been the idea that this is "training wheels for researching", that I am learning the ropes in a very controlled and specific way. I can dig that in some ways. I have to tell myself that it is good for me. I have to believe that this experience will bring me somewhere. Or else I'll run away. I know it.

I am in Belgrade for 12 more days, assuming I go to Budapest the last weekend of the ISP to explore a wonderful city I have heard mountains of stories about. Less than 2 weeks! I can't believe it! I am starting to make friends and really feel good in the city. The people who work at the hostel are my little family. I am learning more and more of the language, and losing more and more of it at the same time.

There is no conclusion to these thoughts.