To the moon and back!

(pictures of belgrade)





I guess it has just been crazy around these parts. First we went to Porec, to the Adriatic and the beautiful tucked away hostel and the truffles and wine and olive oil, then to Ljubljana, Slovenia, where the stomping grounds for the Peace institute are, the Metalkova’s, the inspiring communities of artists and journalists and researchers all working together.

Slovenes were interesting, and the city was nice, but, it was too snobby. In the Western European sense. In the EU sense. An example: “oh, you are studying in Zagreb? Why on earth would you do that (loud scoff)”. BITE ME. I love Zagreb. I love its lived-in feeling. It’s humbling. It’s real. You know why I love it so much? Because a lot of it reminds me of Worcester. And I love Worcester.

Then we came back home. Yes, Zagreb has officially become my home, somewhere of comfort and mobility and transformation. This is such an exciting feeling. I can feel myself detaching from my home, from my family and friends and comfortable environment. Not in the sense that I don’t want them anymore, but more that I am present here, not wishing myself to be there, with them, per say. I had a slight freak out after coming back from Slovenia, and I almost (very compulsively, very Erica-like) bought a plane ticket to London this weekend so I could see Nicole, Sara, Mark, Sasha, and Ryan. But I didn’t, academics, rules, contraints, etc.

But I’ve been really trying to listen to myself, a lot. Coincidences are miraculous and unnerving, and very important to stay tuned into. So I didn’t end up going to London, but I did end up figuring out what my ISP was going to be, having a kickass interview, and meeting some wonderful students from Amsterdam. All because I didn’t go to London, the place I originally was set on going.

I still earn for underdeveloped place.

Right now I am typing underneath my legs. Its funny but works somehow. Anyway, I met the Amsterdam Students from SIT who had their excursion out here for a week. And it was such a blessing to have them here.
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So, I am starting my journey back to Zagreb with the group from Beograd (Belgrade is the capital of Serbia, 2 million population). I am exhausted: mentally, physically, emotionally. I cannot describe what I have been feeling lately. Big ups and downs, bigger than ever, emotional uneasiness and vulnerability, loss of self identity…etc. I just can’t seem to know myself here, not like I used to. Maybe I am changing a lot. Maybe I am transforming in a way that I can’t recognize just yet. But I find myself acting as if my personality is hyperextended. I am acting out in ways I haven’t seen in years and it is really bothering me.

But I had a great conversation with becca while walking to the a club the other night. We both realized how lucky we are to have each other on this trip, and how it has really helped us get through. She said some really beautiful things to me. About our friendship and how it is something we’ll hold onto to. She said that I would get along with her family very well and that her mom and I would bond a lot. We decided that if we both come to Belgrade for our ISP that we should live together. We always joke about being so different, but the differences are complimentary and necessary for ourselves.

I admire Becca a lot. She has had such an interesting life so far—with plenty of troubles and successes. She’s got a really good head on her shoulders and is very considerate to others. She is the kind of person I want to surround myself with. We work well together, understanding eachother's needs and giving space when needed. She is a good listener. She is caring and hilarious. We make each other laugh so much! It is such a blessing that she is here.

So I think I most likely will live in Belgrade for the last month of my time here. Not only is it an amazing city, with lots of great places to see, but the people here are wonderful. They are warm and kind. I had two of the best interviews yesterday with two students living in Belgrade. I made a bunch of friends. I visited unbelievable NGOs and have started to grasp the area more, all the while continually getting more and more confused about it all. (i love how i am using words like "wonderful" and "amazing" and "unbelievable". Becuase really, I am just too tired to truly explain poetically how much that city spoke to me. Eloquence will come sometime soon...)

Marco was our coordinator in Belgrade. He knows Orli from a student exchange camp she worked at a long time ago. Marco is studying at the Political Science facultet (department) at Belgrade University. He is 23 and is wonderful! He reminds me a lot of my cousin David actually. And he is a fun dancer. We met a lot of his friends and he really wanted to show us the good side of Belgrade. It worked.

The first person I interviewed was Milan. Milan grew up in a small village 600 km away from Belgrade in Serbia. The town has 18 inhabitants. He moved to Belgrade to attend the University. He graduated last year with a bachelor degree in Political Science. He fought to have Google earth have a very detailed satellite view of his town. He was a member of Otpor (which means resistance, and was the main force that struggled to shut down the Milosevic regime in the late 90’s). He told me what it was like to live through the NATO bombing, what it was like to grow up in such a tense time, how he learned about everyone and everything. What he thinks now. The answers seemed to be more general and objective, rather than raw and subjective. Which was good and bad.

Tijana I had met before our interview, at Marco’s house a few nights earlier. She attended Bard College in NYC for a year back in 2005-2006 on a scholarship. She is in the English and Literature department at Belgrade University and works at the Sava Center, which holds and assists international conferences. Her and I talked for two and half hours last night about everything. Everything. At the end she said she has had a lot of interviews before, but mostly people don’t know what or when to ask things. She said our interview was the most thorough interview she has ever had and that she appreciated that. It made me feel really good because I always wonder if I am asking the critical questions, the deep questions, the questions that get to the heart of things.

I have realized more than ever that chemistry during interviews is so important to the discussion. No interview will be the same. Now interview will be the right amount of time. Some you’ll want to run from, some you’ll want to last forever.

I began to really love Orli this trip, which was so relieving and important to my time here. She has done mostly all of her work in Belgrade. She has lived her for around 4 years. Her life is here now. It makes sense that she was out of her element in Zagreb, which could have a lot to do with how she acted while there. In Belgrade, she was great.

Some things I need to further investigate:
- the difference between rural and urban youth and how they perceive the wars
- How immobility in the region effects and inflames nationalistic trends in the area (the idea that “why would we want to be a part of the EU, Serbia is the best place in the world to be” in order to dodge suffering and depression about current situation) and how this effects denial of the war
- NATO bombings (I heard someone say today when the “USA bombed Zagreb”) – how Serbs were told what happened from the Media
- Current movements/resistances and their motives.

I also met my long distance relatives who live in Belgrade. Judit (a second or third cousin, i think), grew up in Budapest. She married her husband, who is a Serb, and they moved to Belgrade 3 years ago. the husband (i forget his name), lived in Israel for 8 years. I am welcomed there whenever if i return to Belgrade. They have a 3 year old, Laila, who is the cutest girl ever and is already tri-lingual (i'M jealous!). Judit is pregnant again and is due on New Years Eve.

Oh, and last thing: I bought a ticket to Israel. December 17-25. From Vienna. I woke up one morning and realized I had to go. So I am going. By myself. On my own terms. It's how I want it. It's how I need it.

More later. For now, Laku Noc, Lila Tov, Buenas Noches, Goodnight!