Quacky Qualms Quiet Quirky

Okay. So from the beginning I have felt awkward using the word "research" for what I am doing here. I think I have begun to transform it from "research" to "understanding", the process of which is heavily based in informal communication with those around me in Belgrade. I want to get a better understanding of how people my age here are dealing with the past they grew up in (the 90s) and how they visualize what is currently happening around them--internationally, nationally, and locally--with "facing the past". Also, do they feel personal responsibility towards dealing with the past?

So this is what I am interested in. My interview questions are shit and once I sit down with people I feel like I freeze and I have to act a certain way etc, I get too caught up in wondering if the recorder is still on or if I will be able to get to all my questions. Becuase of this, the "informal conversation, hanging out, getting to know eachother" shortly disintegrates into my agenda. I hate agendas. I hate feeling like I need to get something out of people. I just want to make new friends and understand the place around me as much as I possibly can as an outsider.

Everyone here has been great. Better than great. Friday night I went out with the girls from the program who I am living with right now, and 5 Serbs, one of whom we met from the interviewing in Belgrade in October. I stayed out with them all night long (which reflects how good it was because I don't tend to do that willingly these days). We had the most fantastic conversations, both serious and not serious, about ourselves, about Serbia, about Kosovo, etc. At the end of the night we agreed that we felt like we had been friends for a long time. It was just so comfortable and warm, honest, and exciting. And I learned so much from them, and will learn more from them in the future.

These are the nights I will take back with me and share with other people. This is the kind of story I want to write about, which reflects the most honest exchange of ideas, values, and perspectives of what is really going on. Without an agenda. Without a recorder. With plenty of beer and laughter and honesty.

So where do I go from here? I am stuck within the limitations of academia, SIT policy, and the obligation of a 40 page qualitative research paper due December 10. I am looking forward to the interviews this next week because I feel like I am much clearer on the things I want to know. But it has taken me a while to really figure it out. Does this taint the already-done interviews I have had? I think what has really been getting me through has been the idea that this is "training wheels for researching", that I am learning the ropes in a very controlled and specific way. I can dig that in some ways. I have to tell myself that it is good for me. I have to believe that this experience will bring me somewhere. Or else I'll run away. I know it.

I am in Belgrade for 12 more days, assuming I go to Budapest the last weekend of the ISP to explore a wonderful city I have heard mountains of stories about. Less than 2 weeks! I can't believe it! I am starting to make friends and really feel good in the city. The people who work at the hostel are my little family. I am learning more and more of the language, and losing more and more of it at the same time.

There is no conclusion to these thoughts.