Kako se koze?

September 7, 2007 | Breakdown #1

It might be because I’m really tired. It might be because the days start at 9 and don’t end until 6. It might be because it’s been raining here the entire time. It might be because I'm eating a lot of meat, a lot of which I don't know what it is. Whatever it is, I’m feeling out of control, overwhelmed, and very emotional.

It’s not coming out in tears. Its beating hard through my arteries and in my heart. It’s echoing in my lungs. It happened suddenly today somewhere in between walking from the office to the grocery store and back to the hostel.

The history of this region is really layered and confusing. It’s always hard to learn from someone who is so familiar with the subject and cannot relate to those who are just beginning. I haven’t taken many history classes and have always had a weak history with…history. I think I’m just going to have to work much harder than most people.

I also had this realization today that I still don’t know these people at all. It’s been 4 days and we haven’t even fully transitioned yet. We move into our homestays tomorrow, another possibility of why I’m mentally falling apart, and that’s a whole other transition that I have to fall into. And once that happens, I have ISP, not to mention all the excursions. I think I underestimated, or didn’t estimate at all, of how hard this program was going to be.

But I haven’t cried yet. A part of me wants to stay very busy so I don’t have those solitary moments of sudden and superfluous fear.

This morning we had our second drop off (where they give us a name of a place and tell us to find it, like ethnographic foreplay) and I had to get myself to the Dom Sportivo and a children’s theatre. It definitely wasn’t the most interesting of the locations I could have had, and it was quite easy to navigate compared to others, or maybe I’m just better at that sort of thing, but I felt a bit disappointed with what I saw. It was cool that I went to the Olympic dome of Croatia, but I couldn’t go inside and there weren’t that many people around to ask. I know I could have done more, asked people walking out, looking around more for other possibilities, but it was cold and raining and I didn’t know how long it would take me to get to the other places.

I think what is really bothering me is that I am forgetting what I’ve already learned about experiential learning. Nothing is going to turn out like you planned. You have to be super spontaneous, open to everything, and humble all at the same time.

I really do like Zagreb, but a part of me still feels like I’m in “Europe”. When things aren’t simple and are material, where people are caught up in the accessories of life that disappeared in Mexico.

Things I want to do with my homestay:

- play with the kids a lot, and learn a lot from them with Croatian

- talk to the mother, be each other’s companions

- cook pancakes

- have at least one dance party

- talk economics with the mom

- walk around the city, go to a playground

- visit museums

- visit their favorites in the city

- massage?

But I also want my independence. I want to be able to come home late after working at the public library or a café. I want to do things the way I want to do them too. I know it’s not going to be like that, it’s why I’m on this program.

Whatever the situation becomes I know that I’ll grow tremendously. I need to keep the same balance that I had before this summer: things happen for a reason, experiences don’t make themselves, smile, keep believing in yourself, be a good friend.